I wonder how Emma’s exams are going. Whether she’s doing well in her exams or not. I’m really praying hard that she performs very well in the exams which are so important and dear to her heart. I really want to see her succeed in a grand manner. I can already imagine the happiness in her face when she succeeds in the exams. Emma, I really pray that you get all the success in your career.
It leads me to a question as to how strong our prayers are. Is it really strong that it can make us better people at heart? Is it really strong that it can give us a kind of inner strength that we never felt before?
After our separation, I admit, I used to pray like mad. Truly speaking, I being devastated was an understatement. I never felt so low and broken ever before. For me, my whole world and dreams came crashing down in front of my eyes and I was able to do nothing about it. In the true sense, I lost myself and I was absolutely and completely broken and depressed. I never felt sad emotions so strong that it literally tore me apart. One moment, I was enjoying the pure bliss of love and honestly working hard towards improving our relationship. Within minutes, it was all over for me. It was all over before I even had the time to think. I did refer it in an earlier post as the complete U-turn of my life. Suddenly, I was in the lowest point in my life, just like that.
That was when I turned to prayers.
At first, I used to pray like a mad man, asking God to bring back my love. I used to pray day and night and yet I thought it was not enough. To be honest, I had negative thoughts and desires which I abhor normally. Taking my own life was one of it. Maybe I even tried it. But then something stopped me. Something stopped me from having all the ill-thoughts about myself. What was it? Was it the counseling of my friends? Couldn’t be for they knew only that part of my feelings which were the tip of the ice-berg. No one came to know my actual feelings. Then what brought about the changes in me? What assisted me in my self-discovery? What made me change into something what I am today?
Perhaps, the most important thing that happened to me after our separation was self-discovery. The first thing I truly realized that even after what happened, I never had ill-feelings towards Emma. Never did the thought of hurting her, or doing something bad to her cross my mind. Never did I have any ill-feelings towards her. In spite of many people abusing her in front of me, I defended her and never hated her for what happened. I never even used any slang towards her. Was it madness? Previously I thought so. Now I know it is not so. It’s truly because of the fact that I love her that I never harbored any ill-feelings towards her. The biggest thing is, I only proved myself again that I genuinely love her and it was not anything else.
The second thing is the self-hatred issue. I hated myself just after the separation. I hated myself for doing some things to her which were wrong and unfair to her like not talking to her enough or not doing something which she really wanted me to do. Self-hatred along with self-pity was a deadly combination which badly started eating me from inside. It’s a terrible feeling and if I get sadistic, I would love this feeling to set in to the psyche of my worst enemies. It’s the most potent weapon.
I overcame that feeling. The one thing I always started saying myself is that I am not a bad person. I’m a very good person who has done bad things but is willing to learn from his mistakes. The first thing I started telling myself is what I didn’t do what spurned road-side lovers do. She told me not to call her up and I did. She told me never to come near her home and I never stepped foot in her immediate area since, even though one of my relative resides there. She told me no SMS and no e-mails and I respected the same. I still contact her only when it’s really important. I know I am a good person, I really love her and I always have the best intentions and wishes for her. If that’s not the mark of a good person, what else is? I agree, sometimes I lose control and do something she doesn’t want to, but I never do it intentionally and I still work hard to do things which won’t hurt her. So yes, I finally managed to defeat self-hatred and that’s by far my biggest victory.
Do I really love her or is it just obsession? Forget my friends, even Emma asked me this. I knew the answer but yet, I needed one final proof. But I was not getting a way. I was badly searching for a way when I got a way. I started working on things she really wanted me to do. Her first wish was for me to stop abusing. I seriously set out to do it. It was very tough to do it at first. But when I finally started doing it, I realized the benefits of it. Now I surprise myself when I count the days when I last abused. I really feel proud when I see that the gap between two abuses I used, have stretched to a whole month. Now that’s impressive. I got my second way out recently and I decided to use it. I did something which would genuinely test whether I seriously love her or whether it was just to fill up a void in me. I did it and I realized it was love all along. I was right all the time and I was always honest with her about my feelings for her.
I also realized how deep my love for Emma is. I don’t need a megaphone to convince the whole world how deep it is. It is enough that I know myself how deep and pure are my feelings for her.
Finally came the part as to how to live without her. The biggest thing I learnt is that I can do only that part which are in my hands. We can’t do anything which is out of our hands. So that’s what I did. I took things in my hand which I have control over. I never thought I could do it, but I did it. The second thing I learnt was that to actually be happy about our good and the best moments. Moments which were truly ours. I learnt to be happy and smile at the beautiful and loving words which we said to each other. Emotions and moments we lovingly shared with each other. Going to the places, which are special for us, with courage in my heart. After all, I truly love her and I consider myself lucky that I have found some one who I can love from the bottom of my heart without expecting any results. I’m proud of the love I have for her.
The third biggest thing that I have learnt is to have courage & confidence in me. I learnt to have courage and confidence in our love. And it was the toughest thing to do, especially in our current situation. This is the courage and confidence that I was always looking for. It is my biggest discovery in me. My new found courage and confidence in me. I never felt like this before. I feel courage and confidence in me like never before. As a result I have actually started doing things which I believed I could never do, including to face a top-notch official known for his temper, to ask for something as ridiculous as IPL match tickets! I just say myself, if I can have courage and confidence in our love in this condition, I can have them anywhere else.
For the record, I did get the tickets.
So why am I writing all this, about how I have changed, how I feel stronger than before, as to how I have recovered myself from such a mess in about four months?
Yesterday, I met a friend who is exactly in the same situation as I am. He’s feeling exactly the same way that I felt until a few weeks before. Yet he’s asking everybody for mental and emotional support and yet unable to handle himself. It’s a very good thing that he’s reaching out to all us friends and I genuinely tried giving him mental and emotional support yesterday by hearing him and trying to explain him how to take care of himself. We are all trying to help him out with the best of the intentions for him. I spent a long time with him yesterday and tried showing him a way out of his problems. But when I finally left to go home, I started thinking about our situations. We are both in the same situation and we are both equally down. Yet, I hardly took anyone’s help and my friends hardly have the slightest idea how I am mentally and emotionally. Yet, I managed to handle myself and pick myself up from my lowest point. I was somehow surprised at my own mental strength as to how I picked myself up and make myself feel positive. Yes, I do drop tears quite often. Yet, I’m not in the same state as my friend is in. Instead, I’m guiding him. How was I able to pick myself up with hardly anybody’s help? How did I manage to get so many positive emotions in me without anybody telling me anything about it? None of the people I know taught me to be happy about our memories. Nobody told me about my hidden strengths in me. Nobody taught me to be courageous and confident of my love for her. Nobody even knew about my self-hatred feelings, let alone helping me out of it. Yet I managed to do it all by myself. How was I able to do it?
As I had mentioned earlier, I started praying daily day and night like a mad man. Yet, what started out as desperation turned out to be sincere. Whenever I prayed, I tried relaxing myself. I believed in God that he would definitely show me the right way. Each time, whenever I feel miserable, I just send out a silent prayer.
Previously I used to believe that one should pray only if it comes directly out from our heart. While I still believe in it, my madness made me realize that for a true prayer to come out, we have to make a sincere start. It’s easy to pray, but tough to pray sincerely. I decided to continue when I started praying and I feel that I’m making progress. I feel the need to thank God for giving me for whatever I have and ask for guidance in the right path. And I feel the power of prayers everyday. I realized the value of the silent support that my parents gave me. Along with Emma, they know me the best and they know the kind of support I need. They never asked as to why I feel so low or as to how there’s a change in my behavior. Yet, they have provided me a support which never intruded on my independence and yet helped me so much. I really love my parents. I couldn’t have asked God for anyone else as my parents. I love and I’m proud of my parents.
Each time I felt low, I somehow was able to find a way out. Whenever I’m about to break into tears, something always happens which fills me with optimism. Each time I start falling apart, I always end up saying something unexpected which always makes feel positive. I have somehow started hating less and less and loving more and more. I feel things that I never felt before and I feel good. Somehow, I always get clues and help whenever I need it the most from the most unexpected zone. In spite of suffering from pain of not being with her, not getting her love and not even getting the slightest news of her, as much as her absence hurts every single moment, I have learnt to draw positives from wherever possible. And that helps me cope up with my life.
I won’t say that I have healed completely. Neither will I say that someday I’ll heal completely. But there is something I will say. A simple prayer is a very powerful thing one can have. I feel strong out of praying. Thanks to my prayers, I love Emma more than ever before. Thanks to my prayers, I have learnt to like myself. Thanks to my prayers, I feel positive. Thanks to my prayers, I have been able to draw out my hidden strengths. Thanks to my prayers, I have learnt to enjoy love and feel confident and courageous. Thanks to my prayers, I have learnt to look forward to my life. Love and Prayers – the most powerful things of all. I’m happy and proud I have learnt both.
As for you Emma, there are so many things I want to say you. Yet, I’ll say only one thing to you now which sums up all my feelings for you:
I love you Emma! I love you!
It leads me to a question as to how strong our prayers are. Is it really strong that it can make us better people at heart? Is it really strong that it can give us a kind of inner strength that we never felt before?
After our separation, I admit, I used to pray like mad. Truly speaking, I being devastated was an understatement. I never felt so low and broken ever before. For me, my whole world and dreams came crashing down in front of my eyes and I was able to do nothing about it. In the true sense, I lost myself and I was absolutely and completely broken and depressed. I never felt sad emotions so strong that it literally tore me apart. One moment, I was enjoying the pure bliss of love and honestly working hard towards improving our relationship. Within minutes, it was all over for me. It was all over before I even had the time to think. I did refer it in an earlier post as the complete U-turn of my life. Suddenly, I was in the lowest point in my life, just like that.
That was when I turned to prayers.
At first, I used to pray like a mad man, asking God to bring back my love. I used to pray day and night and yet I thought it was not enough. To be honest, I had negative thoughts and desires which I abhor normally. Taking my own life was one of it. Maybe I even tried it. But then something stopped me. Something stopped me from having all the ill-thoughts about myself. What was it? Was it the counseling of my friends? Couldn’t be for they knew only that part of my feelings which were the tip of the ice-berg. No one came to know my actual feelings. Then what brought about the changes in me? What assisted me in my self-discovery? What made me change into something what I am today?
Perhaps, the most important thing that happened to me after our separation was self-discovery. The first thing I truly realized that even after what happened, I never had ill-feelings towards Emma. Never did the thought of hurting her, or doing something bad to her cross my mind. Never did I have any ill-feelings towards her. In spite of many people abusing her in front of me, I defended her and never hated her for what happened. I never even used any slang towards her. Was it madness? Previously I thought so. Now I know it is not so. It’s truly because of the fact that I love her that I never harbored any ill-feelings towards her. The biggest thing is, I only proved myself again that I genuinely love her and it was not anything else.
The second thing is the self-hatred issue. I hated myself just after the separation. I hated myself for doing some things to her which were wrong and unfair to her like not talking to her enough or not doing something which she really wanted me to do. Self-hatred along with self-pity was a deadly combination which badly started eating me from inside. It’s a terrible feeling and if I get sadistic, I would love this feeling to set in to the psyche of my worst enemies. It’s the most potent weapon.
I overcame that feeling. The one thing I always started saying myself is that I am not a bad person. I’m a very good person who has done bad things but is willing to learn from his mistakes. The first thing I started telling myself is what I didn’t do what spurned road-side lovers do. She told me not to call her up and I did. She told me never to come near her home and I never stepped foot in her immediate area since, even though one of my relative resides there. She told me no SMS and no e-mails and I respected the same. I still contact her only when it’s really important. I know I am a good person, I really love her and I always have the best intentions and wishes for her. If that’s not the mark of a good person, what else is? I agree, sometimes I lose control and do something she doesn’t want to, but I never do it intentionally and I still work hard to do things which won’t hurt her. So yes, I finally managed to defeat self-hatred and that’s by far my biggest victory.
Do I really love her or is it just obsession? Forget my friends, even Emma asked me this. I knew the answer but yet, I needed one final proof. But I was not getting a way. I was badly searching for a way when I got a way. I started working on things she really wanted me to do. Her first wish was for me to stop abusing. I seriously set out to do it. It was very tough to do it at first. But when I finally started doing it, I realized the benefits of it. Now I surprise myself when I count the days when I last abused. I really feel proud when I see that the gap between two abuses I used, have stretched to a whole month. Now that’s impressive. I got my second way out recently and I decided to use it. I did something which would genuinely test whether I seriously love her or whether it was just to fill up a void in me. I did it and I realized it was love all along. I was right all the time and I was always honest with her about my feelings for her.
I also realized how deep my love for Emma is. I don’t need a megaphone to convince the whole world how deep it is. It is enough that I know myself how deep and pure are my feelings for her.
Finally came the part as to how to live without her. The biggest thing I learnt is that I can do only that part which are in my hands. We can’t do anything which is out of our hands. So that’s what I did. I took things in my hand which I have control over. I never thought I could do it, but I did it. The second thing I learnt was that to actually be happy about our good and the best moments. Moments which were truly ours. I learnt to be happy and smile at the beautiful and loving words which we said to each other. Emotions and moments we lovingly shared with each other. Going to the places, which are special for us, with courage in my heart. After all, I truly love her and I consider myself lucky that I have found some one who I can love from the bottom of my heart without expecting any results. I’m proud of the love I have for her.
The third biggest thing that I have learnt is to have courage & confidence in me. I learnt to have courage and confidence in our love. And it was the toughest thing to do, especially in our current situation. This is the courage and confidence that I was always looking for. It is my biggest discovery in me. My new found courage and confidence in me. I never felt like this before. I feel courage and confidence in me like never before. As a result I have actually started doing things which I believed I could never do, including to face a top-notch official known for his temper, to ask for something as ridiculous as IPL match tickets! I just say myself, if I can have courage and confidence in our love in this condition, I can have them anywhere else.
For the record, I did get the tickets.
So why am I writing all this, about how I have changed, how I feel stronger than before, as to how I have recovered myself from such a mess in about four months?
Yesterday, I met a friend who is exactly in the same situation as I am. He’s feeling exactly the same way that I felt until a few weeks before. Yet he’s asking everybody for mental and emotional support and yet unable to handle himself. It’s a very good thing that he’s reaching out to all us friends and I genuinely tried giving him mental and emotional support yesterday by hearing him and trying to explain him how to take care of himself. We are all trying to help him out with the best of the intentions for him. I spent a long time with him yesterday and tried showing him a way out of his problems. But when I finally left to go home, I started thinking about our situations. We are both in the same situation and we are both equally down. Yet, I hardly took anyone’s help and my friends hardly have the slightest idea how I am mentally and emotionally. Yet, I managed to handle myself and pick myself up from my lowest point. I was somehow surprised at my own mental strength as to how I picked myself up and make myself feel positive. Yes, I do drop tears quite often. Yet, I’m not in the same state as my friend is in. Instead, I’m guiding him. How was I able to pick myself up with hardly anybody’s help? How did I manage to get so many positive emotions in me without anybody telling me anything about it? None of the people I know taught me to be happy about our memories. Nobody told me about my hidden strengths in me. Nobody taught me to be courageous and confident of my love for her. Nobody even knew about my self-hatred feelings, let alone helping me out of it. Yet I managed to do it all by myself. How was I able to do it?
As I had mentioned earlier, I started praying daily day and night like a mad man. Yet, what started out as desperation turned out to be sincere. Whenever I prayed, I tried relaxing myself. I believed in God that he would definitely show me the right way. Each time, whenever I feel miserable, I just send out a silent prayer.
Previously I used to believe that one should pray only if it comes directly out from our heart. While I still believe in it, my madness made me realize that for a true prayer to come out, we have to make a sincere start. It’s easy to pray, but tough to pray sincerely. I decided to continue when I started praying and I feel that I’m making progress. I feel the need to thank God for giving me for whatever I have and ask for guidance in the right path. And I feel the power of prayers everyday. I realized the value of the silent support that my parents gave me. Along with Emma, they know me the best and they know the kind of support I need. They never asked as to why I feel so low or as to how there’s a change in my behavior. Yet, they have provided me a support which never intruded on my independence and yet helped me so much. I really love my parents. I couldn’t have asked God for anyone else as my parents. I love and I’m proud of my parents.
Each time I felt low, I somehow was able to find a way out. Whenever I’m about to break into tears, something always happens which fills me with optimism. Each time I start falling apart, I always end up saying something unexpected which always makes feel positive. I have somehow started hating less and less and loving more and more. I feel things that I never felt before and I feel good. Somehow, I always get clues and help whenever I need it the most from the most unexpected zone. In spite of suffering from pain of not being with her, not getting her love and not even getting the slightest news of her, as much as her absence hurts every single moment, I have learnt to draw positives from wherever possible. And that helps me cope up with my life.
I won’t say that I have healed completely. Neither will I say that someday I’ll heal completely. But there is something I will say. A simple prayer is a very powerful thing one can have. I feel strong out of praying. Thanks to my prayers, I love Emma more than ever before. Thanks to my prayers, I have learnt to like myself. Thanks to my prayers, I feel positive. Thanks to my prayers, I have been able to draw out my hidden strengths. Thanks to my prayers, I have learnt to enjoy love and feel confident and courageous. Thanks to my prayers, I have learnt to look forward to my life. Love and Prayers – the most powerful things of all. I’m happy and proud I have learnt both.
As for you Emma, there are so many things I want to say you. Yet, I’ll say only one thing to you now which sums up all my feelings for you:
I love you Emma! I love you!
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1 comments:
bestest of luck..
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